Church Despair

I'm 48. I've been at this church thing for 18 years as a "pro." For all of those 18 years, the Presbyterian Church USA has been declining in attendance.

For the first half of those years, evangelical churches were growing--it was the more liberal part of the church that was shrinking numerically. There was a lot of crowing by evangelicals that they were growing because they got the gospel "right"--God was blessing evangelical churches and punishing the liberal ones. Well... wait for it.... Now we're all shrinking. The evangelical churches have been shrinking most rapidly and the progressive ones are leveling off. But we're all going down. That's the backdrop to what I'm about to share.

I used to think that I could help change this. Naive. But I did. To me, Christianity has always "made sense." I figured I could easily help it make sense to others. I could help grow churches, staunch the flow of people leaving, build a new generation of young people excited about Christianity.

Now, I see how wide-eyed that belief was. I've been at this almost two decades. And I'm a decent pastor. Maybe sometimes a good one. I still think Christianity makes sense--deeply, wonderfully--in our modern world. But I'm very clear (it's always been clear--but now I accept it) that the form of church that I inherited--mainline, building-based, white, upper-middle-class, educated--is plunging into utter obscurity.

What do you do when the institution that "holds" your identity becomes irrelevant?

Despair is one possibility. You can feel that despair in the church today. Every pastor I know is struggling, some of us mightily, to keep our congregations above water. We can work 80 hours a week--it won't stop the people from leaving, it won't keep the young ones around. It feels, at times, like I'm a curator of a museum of ancient curiosities. How many years until we become, like the Shaker communities, a "living museum?"

Mercifully, I don't spend much time in despair. I love the Christian tradition too much. I love the Scriptures and the stories. I love worship (although the difficulty of finding an inspiring, diverse, welcoming language for worship is painful for me). I love people. I love the vision of the world--just and equitable--that flows from the life and teachings of Jesus; I love trying to live into that vision each day.

But the despair is there. I wonder if you have felt that despair--when the world that is coming is not what you wanted--not what you asked for and prayed for--but it's coming nonetheless? How did you handle it? 

I know a man who recently received a hard diagnosis. His first response was despair. But he's moved now to a passionate, energetic, vital way of living that's meant to push back the illness as long as he can. Is that what we're called to do? To rage against the dying of the light? Or to yield, with grace, to this inevitable ending, trusting that, if God is God, something new is around the bend just farther than our eye can see...