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I'm thinking about men (I know... some of you do, too).
Specifically, about heterosexual manhood--what is it? What are straight men for? How do straight men become "real" men?
Every time I'm out at a public event these days, I pay special attention to the men. How they carry themselves. What they wear. How they cut their hair. What they say out loud (if anything). The way their eyes move. What do we men signal silently to others as we move through this world about manhood and masculinity?
It is not too much to say that men are experiencing a crisis. Men are losing some cultural power--educational attainment and income are dropping in relation to women ('though there's a long way to go before parity is achieved). #MeToo justly exposes deeply flawed cultural assumptions men have held about their "right" to sexual access--rights that are quietly and relentlessly affirmed every day through pornography. I remember when I lived in New York in the 2000s, I met so many men who engaged in relationships without any felt obligation to emotional or financial commitment--when a partner got too "needy," they would leave for another (temporary) partner. As I've grown into middle age myself, my suspicion is that most men are leading lives of "quiet desperation" (Thoreau). We don't know, really, what we are for. We are expected to work, to help out at home, to fix things that break. But there's not much there to inspire and very little real support.
I'm not wistful for a "good old days," when we expected certain things to make a man a man: a marriage at 22, a steady 9-5 job, a mortgage. But I do wonder what rites of passage and other markers of manhood are left for men. Have we stopped expecting anything specific from men? Have we abandoned any effort at "making a man" out of our boys and young men?
If I could create a "manhood" machine (not unlike the "star on/off" machines from Dr. Suess' The Sneetches), I would ask it to give men these qualities:
- Emotional maturity - some ability to explore and share feelings with friends and romantic partners
- Physical self-discipline - the ability to sublimate bodily appetites
- Spirituality - an ability to hold silence and contemplate the transcendent dimensions of life
- Compassion - internal feelings of care for others and the willingness to act on them
- Endurance - the ability persevere through pain
Where would men learn these qualities? Scouting? Military service? Sports? Religious communities? Boys' schools? Friendships? Where do young boys and adolescents gather to be shaped and formed for the responsibilities of manhood? I've long been an advocate for mandatory national service as a means of character formation for men, in particular.
I'd love to hear feedback from those of you who are raising boys and men about the activities that have had the best positive impact on their character. I'd also invite you to add (or subtract) from my list of qualities that "make a man."
David, thanks for such a thoughtful and powerful post. On the question of how men learn to be good men, I have often thought they must learn it from their mothers. I've even gone so far as to say i could never trust a man who hasn't been well-loved and well-taught by his mother. But I recognize that to be a pretty opinionated statement, and there surely must be exceptions. Still, there must be some truth in it, too. I'm lucky in that the men in my life (father, brothers, husband) are all men who do possess the qualities you discussed, and they were all well-loved and taught by their good mothers, which makes my sample pretty small, but I do think in the end it is as simple as being loved well---because how can anyone of any gender love well, if one has not been loved well to begin with? I have wondered how men who do not abuse their privilege (and there are some :-), who do not wield power over the less powerful, who do respect the rights of all genders, who do walk thoughtfully in the world, cognizant of what "justice for all" means, who are in touch with their own emotions as well as those of the people around them---and who do possess the five admirable qualities you suggest---how do these men feel when "men" in general are described by (and attacked for) the behaviors of those who are brutes? My guess is that they are thoughtful about it, just as you have been in this post, and I for one, appreciate that thoughtfulness. Thanks for the question, and I look forward to reading other comments on it.
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