I'm a pastor, which, by definition, gives my kids special status: they are "PKs." Preacher's kids. The Legend of the PK says that a child who is forced to go to church every week of their young life, and is held up to the microscope of the congregation's elevated expectations, will develop a rebellious streak. All kids rebel: PKs star in the "... Gone Wild" videos.
I don't actually buy the stereotype. I've met too many PKs who are great kids - and exceptional adults. But the extra weight of raising two double PKs (my wife is a pastor, too) has forced us to pause and use an extra measure of care in discerning how to nurture in our children a healthy appreciation for religion. How do you find the balance between giving a child too much religion such that they develop resentment toward it, and too little religion such that the spiritual spark is never adequately nourished?
The first thing I'd say is that churches do not teach kids religion - parents do. Kids are learning religious sensibilities from their parents from the very beginning, whether a parent takes them to church or not. Kids learn by watching and imitating what parents do. If parents do not embrace religious practices, display religious virtues, or participate in a religious community as part of their daily life, kids are unlikely to gravitate to them on their own at a later time.
Kids watch what parents do and determine what's important. If kids see you going to the gym 5 times a week and never going to a church or synagogue, but then they hear you say later on that religion - or religious values - are important, your words won't make a difference. Parents model what they want children to learn, so model your best self for your kids.
My major advice to parents (or parents-to-be) is develop a spiritual practice of your own. Figure out how to nurture your own spiritual life and your growth. Commit the time and energy to develop your spiritual sensibilities. Pray. Read. Serve others. Give away your money. Listen to sermons. Write in a journal. Practice yoga or meditation. Do this before you have kids if you can. Do it soon after if you haven't yet started. If you are committed to your own spiritual and moral growth, you will show your kids that that aspect of life is worth their sustained energy.
My second piece of advice is find a spiritual community and participate in it. I'm a big fan of churches. The stereotype of rigid, dogmatic, uncritical, hypocritical churches that warp kids is way overblown. There are dozens of faithful, welcoming, open-minded, nurturing faith communities of every flavor and denomination in every community in this country. Find one and go to it for 3-4 weeks to see if you "fit" there. If you do, become a member. Commit. The benefits of being a member of a spiritual community are incredible for parents and kids.
The first benefit of spiritual community is the "village" of care it can provide. Parenting can be a lonely, exhausting, isolating job. Spiritual communities are a lifeline for parents out of the isolation. They are a place where you connect with other parents in a real way (as opposed to the posturing that often takes place between parents). They connect you with people with similar values who can become great friends. They expose your children to adults who will know their names and take an interest in their spiritual and moral development, some of who will become role models. A good church will bring you meals when you're sick, provide a slate of great babysitters, and yes, teach your kids about faith.
The best part about a church is that it is only in community with others that kids learn how to be in community with others. We live such isolated lives - we shape our lives around individual pursuits and preferences. Churches and religious communities buck that trend by insisting that we belong to each other. We depend on each other. In religious communities, kids learn how to be part of a community, how to respect others, how to serve and be served. To me, that knowledge is as essential to life as breathing or drinking water. Kids need that experience to grow up. I would even go so far as to say that a person can't know either the meaning of life or know God unless he or she is yoked to a community.
Every human being wants to grow up. Psychologists say that what every person needs to grow up is a circle of love - a community of relationships in which we experience respect, understanding, sympathy, and accountability. We need communities in which we can love and be loved. Churches are not the only place where that kind of community can happen. But I've seen that type of loving community in so many churches, that I'd be foolish not to commend church-going to any parent who longs to raise a morally responsible child - whether the parent is invested in their child "believing" in God or not.
Every human being needs - and deserves - a loving community. You can do a lot worse than to hitch up with a community who gathers every week around a Teacher who said the primary rule for life is "love God, and love your neighbor as you love yourself."
Our kids may yet make our life hell when they're teenagers. But I will never blame it on church. In bringing them to church, I'm giving them the best gift I can offer - a community of people whose aim is to raise them up with love.
No comments:
Post a Comment